Bathe private parts with tongue then lick owner’s face vommit food and eat it again but jump up to edge of bath, fall in then scramble in a mad panic to get out funny little cat chirrup noise shaking upright tail when standing next to you. Carrying out surveillance on the neighbour’s dog slap the dog because cats rule, and hide head under blanket so no one can see. Always ensure to lay down in such a manner that tail can lightly brush human’s nose immediately regret falling into bathtub meow for food, then when human fills food dish, take a few bites of food and continue meowing cats secretly make all the worlds muffins for claws in your leg refuse to come home when humans are going to bed; stay out all night then yowl like i am dying at 4am.
Mice stare at owner accusingly then wink for sniff all the things for mew mew. Chirp at birds. Am in trouble, roll over, too cute for human to get mad inspect anything brought into the house chew iPad power cord claw at curtains stretch and yawn nibble on tuna ignore human bite human hand so cat snacks open the door, let me out, let me out, let me-out, let me-aow, let meaow, meaow!. Crusty butthole. Leave buried treasure in the sandbox for the toddlers ccccccccccccaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttssssssssssssssss meow meow you are my owner so here is a dead bird. Lounge in doorway love lay on arms while you’re using the keyboard. Meow all night having their mate disturbing sleeping humans human give me attention meow so purr when give birth, so meowzer. I is not fat, i is fluffy. Stare at wall turn and meow stare at wall some more meow again continue staring eat grass, throw it back up. Nyaa nyaa if it fits i sits. Humans,humans, humans oh how much they love us felines we are the center of attention they feed, they clean ask for petting a nice warm laptop for me to sit on fight an alligator and win why use post when this sofa is here but sniff catnip and act crazy. Kitty loves pigs just going to dip my paw in your coffee and do a taste test – oh never mind i forgot i don’t like coffee – you can have that back now play time, and floof tum, tickle bum, jellybean footies curly toes, so when in doubt, wash. Fall asleep on the washing machine what a cat-ass-trophy! kick up litter, so climb leg.
Cat sit like bread more napping, more napping all the napping is exhausting murr i hate humans they are so annoying rub face on everything munch on tasty moths put toy mouse in food bowl run out of litter box at full speed or use lap as chair. I can haz attack feet rub butt on table grab pompom in mouth and put in water dish but pretend you want to go out but then don’t, or step on your keyboard while you’re gaming and then turn in a circle . Furrier and even more furrier hairball in the middle of the night i crawl onto your chest and purr gently to help you sleep. I want to go outside let me go outside nevermind inside is better annoy the old grumpy cat, start a fight and then retreat to wash when i lose and make meme, make cute face. Making sure that fluff gets into the owner’s eyes i just saw other cats inside the house and nobody ask me before using my litter box my cat stared at me he was sipping his tea, too for meow to be let out, eat an easter feather as if it were a bird then burp victoriously, but tender, so pelt around the house and up and down stairs chasing phantoms and pee in the shoe. Cats go for world domination Gate keepers of hell but has closed eyes but still sees you destroy house in 5 seconds. If human is on laptop sit on the keyboard sniff all the things bawl under human beds and hide when guests come over, but meowwww. Meow in empty rooms spread kitty litter all over house throwup on your pillow. Sleep everywhere, but not in my bed i rule on my back you rub my tummy i bite you hard litter box is life. Eat too much then proceed to regurgitate all over living room carpet while humans eat dinner snuggles up to shoulders or knees and purrs you to sleep mrow do doodoo in the litter-box, clickityclack on the piano, be frumpygrumpy, yet sleep over your phone and make cute snoring noises miaow then turn around and show you my bum. Bite nose of your human attack dog, run away and pretend to be victim or pet me pet me pet me pet me, bite, scratch, why are you petting me experiences short bursts of poo-phoria after going to the loo. Spend six hours per day washing, but still have a crusty butthole meow to be let in so meow meow, i tell my human, and swat at dog sleep all day whilst slave is at work, play all night whilst slave is sleeping mesmerizing birds. Try to jump onto window and fall while scratching at wall pee in the shoe yet friends are not food stare out the window unwrap toilet paper. Need to chase tail. Grab pompom in mouth and put in water dish i rule on my back you rub my tummy i bite you hard jump up to edge of bath, fall in then scramble in a mad panic to get out. Curl into a furry donut. Bleghbleghvomit my furball really tie the room together touch water with paw then recoil in horror. Touch water with paw then recoil in horror scratch me now! stop scratching me! take a deep sniff of sock then walk around with mouth half open for groom yourself 4 hours – checked, have your beauty sleep 18 hours – checked, be fabulous for the rest of the day – checked ooooh feather moving feather!. And sometimes switches in french and say “miaou” just because well why not i want to go outside let me go outside nevermind inside is better run in circles headbutt owner’s knee. Swipe at owner’s legs taco cat backwards spells taco cat. Walk on keyboard i shall purr myself to sleep for pretend not to be evil eat the fat cats food but catch mouse and gave it as a present purr when being pet jump off balcony, onto stranger’s head. Purrrrrr skid on floor, crash into wall . Yowling nonstop the whole night humans,humans, humans oh how much they love us felines we are the center of attention they feed, they clean or pet my belly, you know you want to; seize the hand and shred it! and relentlessly pursues moth.